"I can’t believe I let them treat me like that, and I never said a word!" The owner of a rapidly growing business was furious, and her voice shook as she spoke. Three days before she had walked out of an important meeting, yet she was still carrying her self-criticism and disappointment with herself into the executive coaching session with me. She had, in fact, in that meeting let herself and the business down because she had lacked the courage in the moment to confront the situation.

Have you ever spent hours, or even days, after an encounter thinking of all of the things you wished you’d had the courage to express, kicking yourself for what you did not say? Remember how you felt? If you are like most of the rest of us in the human race, you felt diminished in some way and angry at yourself, the situation and/or the other person (s). The journey to our dreams is not a simple walk alone. We must develop the courage to confront others in ways that enlist their assistance and support. In similar manner, have you ever spent hours or even days bracing yourself for an encounter, only to find so much agreement that it didn’t feel like a confrontation at all? Then you kick yourself for being such a coward and not doing it sooner.

When you lack the courage to confront situations or others, your dreams remain only daydreams. Lacking the courage to confront, you will not be able to effectively move from your current reality toward that which you most desire. You will end up kicking yourself for not having had the courage to tell your truth, or feel discounted, devalued and with damaged self-esteem.

In fact, when we fail to cultivate the act of courage of confronting situations and people, we end up running on a treadmill in the race of life. At the very least, we don’t make much progress; at worst, we can damage our careers and end up in too many superficial and mostly one-way relationships.

If you don’t believe me, consider that a recent issue of Fortune Magazine had a cover article on "Why CEO’s Fail." The fundamental conclusion was that they failed not because of a lack of intelligence, strategy, ambition or political shrewdness but because they lacked "the emotional strength" (courage) to confront problems and people sooner, or to seek out feedback regarding the current reality of their organization. The failure to confront a problem, or a person who is off-purpose or even destructive in their behaviors is very costly to society, organizations, work groups, families, marriages, friendships, and to our souls. If it is so critical and we all know the price of cowardice in not speaking up, then why is there so much fear around confronting others?

The Quakers have a wonderful phrase, "Speak truth to power." This means finding the courage to confront, to tell the truth you see, experience and feel, even when someone has power over you. It takes courage because you must overcome your fear of their displeasure and what that may mean in terms of how they treat you.

Wait a minute, you say. Isn’t it insane to tell your boss the truth? What about that other Wall Street Journal article which advised you to lie, if the truth was less than positive, when asked by your boss to tell him or her how he or she is doing? Yes, there is the sad fact that many of the "bosses" out there, as well as most of the people you interact with, are more attached to protecting their ego than knowing how to be more successful and effective either in their careers or private relationships. However, that doesn’t change the fact that every time you "sell" out your truth to keep the peace, a part of you dies.

So, if the courage to confront is one of the key acts of courage we need to live and lead a whole-hearted life, what are you to do, given other people’s defenses and the pain of telling the truth? There are some things you can do immediately.

First, stay aware! Be aware of each time you have a truth that you fail to express. Notice how end up feeling, the price you pay for "keeping the peace". Notice also the cost to the quality and experience of the work being done, to the depth and meaningfulness of the relationships involved. Notice what is happening to your spirit, to your self-esteem, your capacity for joyful work and relationships. When you see the price that is paid, it helps you, over time, find the courage to do it differently. Even if it is truly insane to speak up, you have the advantage of never lying to yourself or of being deceived.

Second, maintain a sense of perspective. Always tell yourself the truth as you see it, but remember that no one has a patent on the great white light. It helps to recall that what you are seeing is, at best, only a part of the whole story. This perspective will help you when you do express your truth to another person, to "confront" without falling in the trap of righteousness and sounding judgmental, condemning, or holier than thou. It will help what you have to say to be more palatable if you and say it as: "This is my truth as I see it now. I may not have the full picture and could be wrong; however this is what it looks like and the impact it is having."

Third, learn the discipline of delivering "respectful confrontations". Sharpen your skill and practice more effective ways of giving corrective feedback and sharing your truth. This will dramatically increase the chances of your being heard and the message received. This means learning how to design and give behavioral specific messages that are tied to the reason why the message is important to you and, hopefully, the other hearing it. There are three core drivers that will help you to do this: strategic guidance, depth and heart.

Strategic guidance: Learn to focus on what is most important in what you are seeing both for you, the other person and the relationship or work within which you are engaged. Train yourself to cut to the heart of the matter or issue before you. What is really most critical? Why is it important? What impact is it having on the key results and /or relationships? Discipline yourself by asking two pivotal questions: Out of all that I am seeing, if only one thing could be different, what would I want to see changed? Why is that the most critical one, what difference would it make? By focusing on strategic guidance, you gain precision and learn to express what is important and why in just a few sentences. This makes it easier for the others to hear and keeps you from sounding like you are scolding or preaching at them.

Depth: Learn how to describe issues in behavioral specific terms. This means that you ensure you have the facts and details clearly in mind so that you avoid sounding vague or like you are shooting from the hip. You develop in your ability to describe what you see and experience by the behaviors you observe, without resorting to judgments, assumptions or blanket statements. (Your practice in doing this is built out of the act of courage we described in last week’s column, the courage to see current reality). Learn to describe behavior rather than trying to interpret it or assuming you know what it means (even if your assumptions are sometimes right!) For example: instead of saying, "You are being rude" which is an interpretation and a judgment, you would more accurately describe the behavior. "You have interrupted me twice and rolled your eyes while I was making a point." The value of this discipline is that though someone can always disagree with your interpretation, it is much harder to counter an accurate physical description of how they have been behaving. This saves arguing over your interpretation and puts the challenging behavior squarely on the table.

Heart: Above all else, learn to express your truth with compassion and respect. You can deliver a confrontation being behavioral specific and strategically focused, but if you do not take a heart or emotional side of it into consideration, it will blow up in your face! It is a maxim of communication experts that only about 10 percent of the meaning of any communication is found in the content of what was actually said. The other 90 percent of the meaning is communicated by the emotional "tone" of the message and the context within which the message is delivered. If your tone is one which sounds condescending or judging, blaming or belittling, then you will arose a deep and powerful automatic defensive response in just about anyone with whom you talk. It is good to practice telling the hard truths with compassion and respect. It helps to increase the odds that you will be heard, making it easier for the other person to take it in and make use of it. Secondly, it helps to remember that surely, in the not too distant future, someone will be confronting you!

Having the courage to dream, though essential to creating a whole-hearted life, is not enough, nor is it enough if you add in the courage to face current reality. What helps you to move from your current reality toward your dream is developing and honing the courage to confront situations and people, confronting them with compassion and respect. So what and who do you need to confront today?

Robert Earl "Dusty" Staub II has written two books, "The Heart of Leadership: 12 Acts of Courageous Leaders" and "The 7 Acts of Courage: Bold Leadership for a Wholehearted Life", which provides the basis for this series of articles. Staub leadership can be reached at Consultants Corner, Staub Leadership Consultants, 3300 Battleground Avenue, Suite 240; Greensboro, NC 27410 or at www.staubleadership.com.