By Elizabeth Trump

           Society has high expectations for love and marriage.  Fall in love with your soul mate.  Pledge your undying love on the happiest day of your life.  Live happily ever after.  However, most married people quickly realize that marriage is not “happily ever after.”  One of the many contributing factors to the high divorce rate in this country is unrealistically high expectations of marriage.  When our marriages do not live up to our idealistic standards, we wrongly conclude that we must not have married the right person.  Through awareness of the reality of marriage and relationships, you have the potential to form a strong and lasting relationship.

Myth 1: Marriage will end my loneliness.

           A commitment in a relationship is no guarantee to end loneliness.  Lifelong companionship is one potential from a long term relationship, however to enjoy companionship both people must give attention and energy to the relationship.

Myth 2: The right person will “complete me.”

           The right person will complete himself or herself.  Depending on another person for stability creates anxiety and vulnerability.  It is our personal responsibility to be a complete person.  Though it is an idealized image of romantic love to find the person who completes you, when considered it is not something for which to strive.  A strong relationship is the collaborative effort of two people working together to grow as individuals and as a couple.

Myth 3:  Happy couples do not argue.

           It is much more telling the way a couple fights than if they fight.  In fact all couples confront common struggles, such as money, sex, children, and responsibilities.  The couples who do not “argue” to confront these issues may fall apart faster because they distance themselves from each other and are no longer communicating honestly.

           Arguing that includes demeaning the other person, walking out on the discussion, bringing up past arguments is detrimental to the relationship.  Couples who argue about the present issue only using appropriate communication are more effective in resolving conflict.

Myth 4: Two people in a good marriage automatically grow closer over time.

While marriage presents the opportunity to grow closer, such a bond requires constant effort and attention.  Without effort and intentionality to remain close, the natural progression of any relationship is to drift apart.  Relationships consist of human beings who are constantly growing and changing.  If the relationship itself does not change and grow with its people, there is no guarantee that the couple will remain close.

Myth 5: Happy couples do everything together.

           When two people are able to cultivate their own interests and hobbies, they are able to maintain their sense of self while still in relationship.  They are able to hold onto the person they were when they fell in love.  When both partners feel compelled to do everything the other person wants, they may begin to resent losing their individual selves.  Each relationship requires a different balance of independence and togetherness which must be negotiated.

Myth 6:  Having children brings a couple closer.

           Adding a new family member also adds a new stressor to the system.  There is less time and energy to be devoted to the relationship.  In fact, research studies indicate a decrease in marital satisfaction when children are born (Popenoe, 2002).  Certainly a couple can grow closer by sharing these life experiences, but it is neither a necessary result nor is it automatic.

Myth 7: Couples who live together before they are married have more satisfying and longer-lasting marriages than couples who do not.

           Many researchers suggest that those who chose to live together without the intention of marrying have less satisfying marriages when they do marry and have a greater likelihood of divorce (Popenoe, 2002).  This may be due to attitudes that are unhealthy for long term commitment including less motivation to resolve conflict and to support one another.

Myth 8: Married people have less sex, and less satisfying sex than single people.

           According to a national survey, married people have more sex than their single counterparts and report more physical and emotional satisfaction (Popenoe, 2002).

Myth 9: The key to a “successful” marriage is romance and good luck.

           According to David Popenoe, the reasons married couples give for the success of their relationship list commitment and companionship rather than romance or luck (2002).  Both luck and the idealized notion of romance can run out, but commitment and companionship grow over time.  

Myth 10: Couples who truly love each other do not have problems.

           Couples who truly love each other have conflicts and stress just as any other two people.  In order to make it through the difficult times the couple must have a commitment to each other and effective and honest communication.

References

Anonymous. (n.d.) Myths such as these can hurt your marriage. Retrieved September 26, 2006 from Marriage.about.com/cs/myths/a/marmyths.htm.

Anonymous. (2006). Deflating six common marriage myths. Retrieved September 26, 2006 from http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-2151,subcat-FAMILY.html.

Popenoe, D. ( 2002).  Top 10 Marriage Myths. Retrieved September 26, 20006 from http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/articles/marriage_myths.