Suggestions for Healthier Communication about Sex with Your Partner

By Caren Miller

 

Talk about sex, rather than around it. Often, we expect our partners to know what we like, dislike, want, and need. However, our partners cannot read our minds. It is important to discuss your preferences with your partner. By doing so, you have a better chance of improving your sexual relationship.

 

Talk openly with your partner about all areas of sex, rather than avoiding uncomfortable topics. Often, by avoiding areas of discomfort we ignore rather than solve sexual problem areas. If you are unhappy or dissatisfied with your sex life, it may seem too hurtful to talk about this with your partner. However, keeping quiet creates a situation in which the relationship is unlikely to improve. Talking about unmet needs and desires can seem hurtful or embarrassing in the moment, but may lead to more satisfying sexual encounters and an overall healthier relationship if discussed in a safe and loving way.

 

Avoid criticism or sarcasm. Remember that sexuality can be a very sensitive area for all of us, your partner included.

 

Be open-minded and willing to compromise. This can avoid situations in which neither partner is willing to budge. Also, your partner may be more willing to compromise if you show that you are willing to also.

 

Find ways to talk about your sexual relationship outside of the bedroom. Often, we are most sensitive about our sexuality during sexual encounters. Talking about sex while not currently in the act can feel less threatening and may produce more positive results. In addition, talking in the bedroom often ruins the mood.

 

Be aware of the ways in which you communicate to your partner that you desire sex. Try to show love and desire for your partner rather than focusing on wanting the act itself. This makes sex more personal and expresses your desire for your partner him/herself.

 

Only communicate your interest in sex when you are available. While calling from work and mentioning that you would be interested in sex if you were home may seem romantic, it can create a negative situation. For example, your partner may expect a sexual encounter upon your return and be disappointed if you are no longer in the mood.

 

Use “I” statements when sharing your thoughts, feelings, and concerns which share your point-of-view. An Example of an “I” statement is: “I feel rejected when you refuse lovemaking.” This is less blaming than “You never want to have sex anymore.”

 

* These suggestions are not a guarantee of a healthier relationship in and of themselves. For more serious relationship problems, consider consulting a counselor or therapist with expertise in couple’s counseling. See the Resources and Links section for assistance in finding a counselor.

 

References

 

 Love, P. & Robinson, J. (1995) Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate Lovemaking. New York, NY: Plume.

 

Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2001) Fighting for Your Marriage: The Best-Selling Marriage Enhancement and Divorce Prevention Book. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.