A Case Study on Sexuality and

Intimacy in Relationships

By Sarah Moxley

 

Introduction

 

The following is the story of Kendra and Jeff, a fictional couple, and their journey to a more meaningful sexual relationship. As their story unfolds, you can trace the development of their relationship alongside the process through which each individual is working. Their relationship moves from being more compartmentalized to a more integrated whole that interweaves their bodies, thoughts, emotions and spirits. Their story seems to capture the essence of what it is to have a more integrated and multi-faceted approach to sex. Following the case study are discussion questions for personal reflection and partner dialogue.

 

Kendra and Jeff’s Story

 

           “We’ve tried everything we can think of, but sex for us just isn’t what it used to be.”

 As Kendra and her husband of 15 years, Jeff, sat across from the counselor, the defeated look on her face matched the tone with which she expressed her frustration about their waning sexual satisfaction. They sat beside each other on the couch, but the emotional distance and awkwardness of the moment was palpable as Kendra fought desperately to hold her tears at bay. Jeff sat with his legs and arms crossed, looking at the floor with an expression that did nothing to hide the discomfort he was feeling.

As this first of many counseling sessions progressed, their story of love, sex, intimacy, desire, distance, frustration, and insecurity tumbled out sometimes freely and sometimes with much hesitance. Like many other couples, their relationship started out with both Kendra and Jeff having a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. They were both fairly inexperienced when they met as high school sweethearts, and so they both found joy and excitement in learning about sex together. As the years went by, they fell into a sexual routine that was admittedly comfortable but both described it as boring, predictable, and almost “mechanical”.

Kendra had always been self-conscious about her body and the way she looked. In all the years she and Jeff had been together, she never once let him see her completely unclothed in full light. Kendra always felt that by not showing herself fully to Jeff, she was protecting herself from his appraisal. She assumed he would find flaw with what he saw. From Jeff’s perspective, he felt that by not being comfortable enough to reveal herself, Kendra didn’t trust him and didn’t want to share all of herself with him. Over time, they both became accustomed to Kendra’s self-consciousness and didn’t realize the emotional impact this was having on their relationship. Moreover, they didn’t realize this emotional impact also fed into their sex life.

Like many other couples, Kendra and Jeff bought into the idea that if they could just spice up their sex life with new positions, new technique, more exciting fantasies, and more daring role plays, they would solve their problems and find lasting satisfaction. So, in keeping with this trend, about 8 months before their first counseling session, Kendra decided to have a breast augmentation. She had always been self conscious about her “non-existent” breasts, so she thought having them enlarged would boost her self-confidence, make her feel sexier, and consequently spice things up in the bedroom. The surgery went well, and Kendra was excited with her new look. Even though she felt her new breasts were “like foreign objects”, she did feel more confident in front of other people and even in front of Jeff. For Jeff’s part, he was excited at the new attitude Kendra seemed to have about herself, but he said,

“I wish she could have felt that way about herself without changing her body…I liked her just the way she was!”

For the first four months or so, they experienced a newfound excitement in their sexual encounters. Because Kendra was more confident in the way she looked, she took more initiative with Jeff and expressed more passion in their lovemaking. Although Kendra felt more confident, she also felt like a “fake”. While she enjoyed the heightened novelty in their sex life, she constantly asked herself,

“Is Jeff really into me, or is it just my new body that’s turning him on?”

So, even though Kendra had a larger bust size, her self-image and self-esteem were as much of an issue as before the surgery. By outward appearances, it seemed that Kendra was more confident in herself sexually, but on the inside she was as self-contained and emotionally distanced from Jeff as she had always been. Jeff sensed that they weren’t really “connecting” during sex, but he didn’t want to talk about it because he knew it would end in an argument, which he avoids at all costs.

Jeff is the peace-maker in their marriage. Instead of confronting issues and dealing with concerns, he would rather pretend that nothing was wrong and hope it would go away on its own. So, when Kendra said she wanted to go to counseling, Jeff’s immediate reaction was,

“We don’t need counseling…we’ve been married for 15 years…we must be doing something right!”

It took a while to get Jeff to open up to the counselor, but once he saw how much it meant to Kendra and acknowledged how much it meant to himself, he began to share his story along with Kendra. Kendra and Jeff never realized they could learn so much about themselves and each other by looking at their sexual relationship. After many sessions of counseling, they both came to understand themselves and each other on a much deeper level.

Kendra told of how from a very young age, she was often teased by her older brothers about her body. She was the only girl in a family of three children. She grew up being a tomboy playing sports right alongside her brothers. As she went through her teen years, she felt her body never developed to that of a “real woman” because she retained her boyish figure. So, she was never comfortable seeing herself as a “sexy” woman but almost an imposter inside her body. She began to hide her body behind lifeless clothes that didn’t reveal the curves of her figure. She thought,

“Well, at least I don’t have to flaunt to the rest of the world that I have no chest!”

           This set up a pattern for Kendra of holding back around other people. Not only did she hold back physically but also emotionally. The memories of being teased by her brothers had become so ingrained in her being that she began to believe all the things she had been told. So instead of “putting herself out there” with Jeff, she never let him see her, all of her, because somewhere inside she was afraid he would laugh at her just as her brothers had 20 years ago. So, with Jeff, she was not only hiding her body but hiding a part of her heart that was afraid of being seen and being hurt.

           Throughout the process of counseling, Kendra began to face her issues of feeling like she “wasn’t a real woman” and she began to replace many of her old ways of thinking with new thoughts of being satisfied with herself for being herself. She began to walk straighter, wear clothes that she actually liked, and to look Jeff in the eyes as they made love just as she began to appreciate herself apart from anyone else’s approval. She learned to love herself first without judgment so that she could then connect with Jeff in a very real, open relationship.

           Jeff was pleased with the revived woman that Kendra had become because he, too, was in the process of becoming someone renewed. He told of how in his home as an only child, his parents were constantly fighting. He recalled going to bed almost every night to the sound of his parents arguing in the next room. He learned to make himself “seen and not heard” in hopes of staving off another “knock-down drag-out fight”. As he got older, he became furious with his father for all of the fighting but kept quiet because he was taught to respect his parents. He was usually the one to comfort his mother after their arguments, telling her not to cry that everything would be okay.

           As an adult, Jeff avoided all appearances of confrontation because he vowed to himself that he would never be like his parents. He never wanted his marriage to be marked by painful emotions, arguing and fighting. So, anytime he sensed Kendra getting emotional or expressing her frustrations, he backed away from her. Emotionally, he closed himself off or tried to sugar-coat things with Kendra simply to avoid the tension he thought would inevitably come from expressing emotions.

           Through many tough sessions, stops and starts, and gut-wrenching moments with himself, Jeff began to realize that expressing emotions was good and healthy if done in an atmosphere of openness, mutual respect and acceptance. He began to really talk to Kendra about what he was feeling inside and found that he wanted to hear and know Kendra. He wanted her to express herself to him. He wanted all of her, not just the “nice” parts about her.

           Kendra and Jeff began to learn and grow together. They each had their own path that they were traveling, but they reveled in sharing their journeys. What they thought in the beginning was just a matter of “spicing up their sex life” became so much more as they journeyed into their own selves, healing old wounds and old hurts, so that they could meet each other in a whole new way. As they each began to resolve their own insecurities, this freed them up to trust in themselves enough to connect to each other. The newfound “heat” in their sex life was a reflection of the deeper connection they had found in each other. Sex became a way not just to experience the heights of physical pleasure but also to experience a peaceful, abiding intimacy that they had been missing for so long.

           Kendra’s eyes were shining with gratitude in their last session as she proclaimed with a wide, knowing grin,

“I never would have thought in that first session how much our lives were going to change! The road has been tough, but our sex life has never been better!

 

 

Discussion Questions:

 

What were Kendra and Jeff’s assumptions about the problems in their sexual relationship at the beginning of the case study? How do societal messages (i.e. the media) contribute to these beliefs? What beliefs do you have about good sex?

 

How were Kendra’s body image issues reflected in their sexual relationship? What was the emotional impact of these issues on their relationship? In reflecting on your self-image, in what ways do the beliefs you have about yourself impact your relationship with your partner?

 

How did Kendra and Jeff’s family-of-origin experiences influence their ways of being as adults? Do you see any connections between your own family-of-origin and your current relationships? If so, are there areas you would like to change?

 

How was Kendra and Jeff’s relationship different at the end of their story versus the beginning? Are their areas of yourself or your relationship you would like to develop?

 

References:

 

Please click on the “Resources” link on this website for community connections and further information on this topic.