(Posted 12-8-99)
IMMEDIATE RELEASE
News Service Contact: Steve Gilliam, 336-334-5371
 

Dr. Gerald Juhnke

SPOUSES NEED TO REMEMBER WHAT'S IMPORTANT
WHEN SHOPPING STRESS STRIKES AT THE MALL

 By Steve Gilliam

GREENSBORO--Couples who are heading out to shop together should try to be their own best "therapists" to avoid the seasonal stress that can develop when the malls are packed, time is short, parking spaces are non-existent and that toy-of-the-year is sold-out.

Dr. Gerald Juhnke, a professor of family counseling at The University of North Carolina at Greensboro, believes that some stress is unavoidable during the holidays, and that "mall madness" comes with the season. Being aware of that fact can help moderate tensions between spouses who find themselves getting testy with each other.

"Everybody is working too hard and there isn't enough time to do everything that needs to be done at this busy time of the year--yet that shopping has to be done," said Juhnke. "What spouses often give to each other are the ‘leftovers," in terms of attention, time or energy.

"It's easy to get stressed when couples head out to shop at the last minute. What it comes down to in the final days is having to do too much in too short a time. Couples really need to try to work together. The best thing they can do is sit down before they go out and talk about the gifts and what those gifts mean."

Gifts are symbolic and gift-giving has different meanings in different families, Juhnke said. Some family traditions involve expensive gifts while other families might prefer hand- made items. Conflict can appear when couples may disagree on what to get the people on their lists. Another stress area is people wanting to "hit a home run" with every gift.

Couples can be their own best "therapists," said Juhnke, by deciding early on which gifts to give, how much to spend and even discussing the somewhat philosophical aspects of what they hope to accomplish by giving the gifts. "I think it goes back to just working with your spouse or partner," said Juhnke. "And it also helps to remind yourselves that, despite all the hassles and the worries, Christmas is supposed to be an enjoyable season."

And keeping that sentiment in mind, Juhnke admits, is easier said than done. "It really is difficult, but that's not an excuse for snapping at your spouse," he said. "Christmas shopping is probably the most focused kind of shopping there is and you've got to accomplish it in a specified amount of time."

Juhnke is a past president of the N.C. Association for Marriage and Family Counseling. He teaches in the Department of Counseling and Educational Development in the UNCG School of Education, where he also serves as coordinator of the department's counselor training clinic (334-5112). The center sees clients all during the year, but the most active period stretches from Thanksgiving through New Year's, said Juhnke, with problems primarily related to anxiety or depression.

"We've always heard that the end-of-the-year holiday season is the most stressful time of the year," he said. "I believe that's true."

One reason, Juhnke said, is peoples' expectations of what they'd like to receive emotionally from the holidays. Often people have a "dream" or an "ideal" of what Christmas should be like, with "ingredients" like a beautifully decorated tree, eggnog, a crackling fireplace and a happy family enjoying home cooked meals. In reality, Juhnke said such dreams may be unattainable, thus triggering the holiday "blues."

"A lot of people today have fond memories of their own childhoods and seem to want to have it replicated in their adult lives," said Juhnke. "Times have changed very drastically today from what they were 30 or more years ago."

But to survive the pressures of holiday shopping, Juhnke has some simple advice for spouses--lighten up and enjoy it. "I think it's just cherishing the moment with the person with whom you're  spending your life," said Juhnke. "When everyone is so busy, it's hard, but I'd say don't give your spouse the ‘leftovers.'

"The big thing is how people view holiday gift-giving. The truth is, if people didn't like you the other 364 days of the year, one present isn't going to win them over. And if they did like you all during the year, they're not going to be harmed because your gift might not be exactly what they wanted."

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