By Michelle Hines, University Relations
Contact: (336) 334-5371
Posted 11-17-06
GREENSBORO, N.C. - The holidays can be especially hard for couples with unresolved conflicts, people with unrealistic expectations and those grieving a loss. Careful forethought and anticipation of potential problems might not be a cure, but it may be the best medicine.
Dr. Christine Murray, an assistant professor of family counseling at UNCG, advises reflection on the “most overwhelming parts” throughout the holidays, in order to avoid repeating mistakes.
“It can be a very difficult time for some people, a time they don’t look forward to,” Murray said.
During the holidays, couples should plan ahead to set aside quiet time for themselves, allowing them to reconnect. They should also divide up duties and try to slow down the anger process that extra stress can cause. Newly married couples should anticipate conflicts such as which family to visit at Christmas or how to handle intrusive questions from family members, Murray warns. “Sometimes family members can ask uncomfortable questions, like ‘When are you going to have a baby?’ They need to be prepared for that.”
Ultimately couples should ask themselves if their conflicts with their spouses are really worth getting upset about. When immediate stressors lead to conflict, couples should ask themselves whether the issue will still matter a month later, Murray said. Often, the issues that seem important in the moment don’t matter in the long run. But couples should attempt to address larger issues before they spiral out of control.
Sometimes people simply have unrealistic expectations of what the holidays should be. They may have idealized ideas of the holidays carried over from childhood or they may feel that their holiday hosting has to be perfect. They should evaluate what their expectations were and whether they were realistic, Murray said.
“Take time to acknowledge what the expectations you had going into the holidays were and then work through that, seeing if they were realistic expectations to begin with. Sometimes people put a lot of extra hope around the holiday. It’s supposed to be a really magical time.”
Once the holidays are over, Murray advises, figure out how to make things easier on yourself and your family in the future. It may be as simple as ordering some food items and cooking others or as complex as dealing with strained family relationships.
“If they were disappointed because they weren’t able to connect with their parent like they were hoping, then maybe next year they could try something different,” Murray said. “Maybe just go into it with the expectation that they would just spend the time with them, not hope for anything more than that. It might even be helpful for people to write a letter to themselves that they can open in a year, to remind them to make adjustments.”
Those dealing with loss, even if that loss wasn’t recent, may also have a particularly tough time during the holidays. They tend to remember holiday traditions associated with the lost loved one and they may be alone on the holidays for the first time in years.
“It’s important to remember and talk about the loved one rather than suppressing their grief,” Murray said. “It’s also important to create new traditions while still honoring the old ones.”
