By Michelle Hines, University Relations
Posted 3-20-08
Dr. Christine Murray.
GREENSBORO, N.C. -- The wedding season is just around the corner, and, if she could, Christine Murray would give couples about to say “I do” two bits of guidance
“Be willing to seek help when you need it; you don’t have to face problems alone,” says Murray, an assistant professor of counseling at UNCG and author of the recently published “Just Engaged,” Adams Media, 272 pages. “And be respectful of each other. That puts a whole different context on your interactions.”
Murray, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Professional Counselor who holds a PhD from the University of Florida, advises couples to discuss their reasons for getting married, their expectations for marriage, their concerns and fears, and, on a more positive note, their strengths as a couple. And that, she says, takes time and attention.
“There’s so much emphasis put on the wedding that people often forget to think about their marriage. There are so many messages about what a wedding should be; there’s a whole industry built around it. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it de-emphasizes the more important part of getting married.”
Couples can benefit from talking openly about everything that will affect their marriage – finances, religious beliefs, career goals, feelings about having children, etc. – before the wedding, Murray says. She also stresses that, with a little work and flexibility, partners can usually adapt and adjust to one another.
“You won’t know what your marriage will be like until you are married,” Murray says. “Even then, changes will shake up your relationship and your plans. All the premarital preparation in the world will not make you entirely ready to be married. In marriage, expect the unexpected.”
What about those wedding day jitters? They are normal, almost universal, Murray says, but don’t dismiss something “that feels like a red flag. If it’s a nagging concern and you can’t get past it, it’s a good idea to address it as early as possible.”
Sometimes problems seem insurmountable. Murray devoted one chapter of “Just Engaged” to breaking off engagements. “Some people might be intimidated by that,” she says, “but it’s a decision some would like to make but feel they can’t.”
Sometimes breaking an engagement can save a couple financial and emotional stress down the road. However, it can also be a painful and awkward subject to discuss.
'Just Engaged' offers advice for the soon-to- be-wed.
"Assume that your partner will be unhappy to hear this news – although there is a possibility that your partner may feel relief if he or she was having similar doubts,” Murray says. “Emphasize your reasons for coming to this decision, and explain the efforts you made as you went through the decision-making process. However, be clear the decision was yours, even if you discussed your decision with other people.”
She adds that ending an engagement doesn’t always mean ending the relationship.
Get help if you’re confused about your feelings or trying to sort out differences, Murray says. Many couples with a problem don’t seek counseling until they’ve lived with it for more than six years. By then, at least one partner has often “checked out” of the relationship.
Premarital counseling is a good idea, she says. “It’s time a couple can take in the midst of the craziness of wedding planning, and they can build a relationship with a counselor. Finding a counselor can be intimidating. It’s a good opportunity to have an experience that would make you more comfortable seeking help later on. So maybe you wouldn’t wait six years.”
Murray – a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, the American Counseling Association and the National Council for Family Relations – is married to Tom Murray, also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. The Murrays live in Greensboro with their young son.
For more information, visit her web site at www.relationshipresourcenetwork.com.
