What advice does a couples researcher offer this Valentine’s Day?
According to UNC Greensboro assistant professor and clinical psychologist Danielle Weber, the real foundation of long-term relationships is far simpler than romantic dinners, surprise gifts, or carefully planned getaways.
“The big, flashy things get a lot of attention,” Weber says. “But the real impact is in the small, everyday demonstrations of care.”
Weber joined UNCG in January 2025, bringing more than a decade of research and clinical experience focused on romantic partnerships. As the director of a newly established couples research lab at UNCG, the SHARE Lab, she studies how relationships shape well-being and the ways couples can learn to navigate stress, health, conflict, and change together.
At the heart of her work is a deceptively simple question: How can the person you’ve chosen to build a life with make that life healthier, not harder?
Studying relationships as a health system
Weber’s research treats romantic relationships as systems that directly influence mental and physical health.
“I really look at health from the perspective of relationships,” Weber explains. “How can that person help enhance your well-being over time? How do we identify the times when you bring out the worst in each other, and how do we avoid those pitfalls?”
She examines core relationship processes such as communication, emotional support, and shared time. Over the years, she has studied how couples respond to mental and physical health challenges, how external stressors affect relationship quality, and how relationship dynamics, in turn, shape individual well-being.
Much of that stress comes from outside the relationship itself. “It can include parenting, larger family dynamics, financial strain, discrimination — stress from the world around the couple,” Weber says. “All of that filters into how people interact with each other.”
When the thrill is gone
One of Weber’s papers, “When the loss of positives feels negative: Exploring the loss of positive experiences in committed couples,” examines a common concern among couples: the feeling that joy or excitement has faded over time.
“There’s this cultural narrative that if the spark dies, something is wrong,” Weber says. “And I think sometimes that worry is overblown.”
She notes that the intense “honeymoon phase” of a relationship, when partners are deeply focused on each other at the expense of other responsibilities, is not meant to last forever. “It’s actually healthy for that phase to pass,” she says. “You need room to be a full person outside of just your relationship.”
What often replaces that early intensity, however, is stress. Careers accelerate, finances tighten, children arrive, and time spent together becomes harder to protect.
“Under stress, people spend less time together; they have less bandwidth for support and can become more irritable,” Weber explains. “The relationship that used to be a source of strength can start to feel like another stressor.”
Another factor is what researchers call reinforcement erosion — the idea that even positive routines can lose their emotional impact over time.
“That cup of coffee your partner brings you every morning might feel really special at first,” Weber says. “But eventually it can just feel like part of the routine.”
Her research suggests that novelty and intentional connection matter.
“When people say things are starting to feel stale, it usually means you need to bring in some novelty,” Weber says. “Can we find a new way to connect around something we already enjoy or find new interests together? And can we bring in more room for spending time together?”
Stress, communication, and why finances are so hard
Weber’s current research at UNCG builds upon earlier findings that show how different types of stress affect couples in different ways.
In a recent study of Black couples in the rural South, published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, Weber found that communication quality varied sharply depending on the topic.
“Communication about racial discrimination was rated higher in quality than communication about financial stress,” she says. “Communication quality about financial stress was rated the lowest.”
Couples are less likely to place blame for discrimination on one another, she says, because it’s driven by society. “Financial stress, on the other hand, is often tied up with blame, disagreement, and different values.”
Now, using a nationally representative sample of individuals in committed relationships recruited across the United States, Weber’s lab is examining how people communicate about a wide range of stressors, from work and health to parenting, finances, and public policy. Participants report not only how stressful these issues are, but also how united they feel as a couple, whether they believe the problem can be solved, and how often they talk or avoid talking about it.
“We’re trying to identify what distinguishes couples who cope well together from those who struggle,” Weber says. “And what that tells us about how we can improve interventions.”
Communication and Coursework
If there’s one theme that runs through Weber’s research, teaching, and clinical work, it’s communication.
“Communication is usually the No. 1 thing couples starting couple therapy say they’re struggling with,” she says. “And research consistently shows it’s a strong predictor of relationship functioning.”
But she is quick to note that there’s no single “right” way to communicate.
“If you are able to address issues when they show up in a way where you both feel mutually respected and cared about, then that’s going to help you succeed long term,” she says.
That philosophy shapes her undergraduate course, “Interventions for Committed Relationships,” where students examine the science behind couples-therapy approaches while also grappling with real-world complexity.
One of the most surprising lessons for students, Weber says, is learning to move beyond black-and-white judgements.
“It’s easy to label people as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’” she says. “But when you look closely, you see how small decisions and unclear boundaries can snowball. Understanding that doesn’t excuse harm, but it helps us prevent it.”
A Valentine’s Day takeaway
Gestures of care don’t require money or elaborate planning, just attention.
“A kiss before work, a note on the mirror, bringing your partner a cup of coffee — those little reminders of care build resilience,” Weber says.
When conflict inevitably arises, those moments matter even more.
“They make it easier to endure the hard stuff,” she says. “They remind you that you’re on the same team.”
That, ultimately, is the message at the core of Weber’s work: relationships don’t eliminate stress, but they can make the world easier to navigate.
“I wish I could make stress disappear,” she says. “But what couples can do is learn how to face it together.”
By Sierra Collins, Division of Research and Engagement
Photography by Sean Norona, University Communications
